nobody told me how intimate showering together could be.
A momentary mingling.
I turn my head thinking the clock reads 7:77pm - a trick of the eye gate.The temperature sits comfortably at 77 degrees and the time actually reads 7:07. The wood grain of my old Toyota is scratched and worn and I start to recall every tick and nick on the body of this dashboard. I sway into nostalgia for a time not too long ago when the smile on my face was of a permanent hue at the thought of your name … it’s a wonder how a few words can make wild what was once tame. In my heart lives a tenderness for those I’ve loved true, names I’ve called while in this very car and the stories we’ve told each other. It’s quite a pain to miss what was so fresh and yet a clean slate was what was best. As my fingers trace my rose colored lighter, I wonder what causes the residue to stain the insides of a heart? In all it’s gold and emerald glory, what causes an uproaring of bad blood and an even worse attitude to tear away what is nourishing and holy? I’ll never ever understand. And as I sit, skin balmy under the humid moonlight I waft into another place: a silent innerstsnding, that what once will never be. but what is coming gallops to me, and in a greater form — you will never lose when you shine in the glory of all that you’ve been shown.
Growth Groove.
I’m starting to become really comfortable with how my life, how my universe unfolds lessons for me. It’s usually out of the norm but right in my comfort zone. Especially when it comes to my relationships — I trust that I receive the perfect people in my trajectory to have the exact experiences I need for the right amount of time. It’s how I play with my own desire for relationships that reflect an air of being unattached, free and drenched in Soverignty. I love those dynamics that invite joy, laughter and mental stimulation and put them right on the table as the essence of our very connection & when it lasts, it’s wonderful. Yet, when it fades, I feel the perfume of the meeting lingering like an old song looping in the back of my mind. I guess it’s part of this new skin I’m growing into, the growth groove that I seem to be engrossed in, recognizing that I want my life to stretch over experiences that expand me, my heart + keep me nestled in my personal grace. And it’s natural that I crave relationships which mirror that same motif now.There’s something insatiable about admitting this to myself (& tumblr 😭) but the way I see it, when I gift wrap my Love, I know I’m giving a part of myself that is of my own personal make up, parts of my soul and that’s sacred to me. And sharing that with those who intend to do the same, skimming over the bullshit and going right for the Heart? Those people are of my kin, part of my family, eternally.
1:11 am, a musing.
The tricks that time and distance play on us have us forgetting the necessity of loving. and not just the physical kind but the sort that changes your life. I am married to the sun, I’ve declared it on every square inch of my skin and no matter how many times the heart bruises, it still calls onto you, love. Challenged daily and still, with the thickness of my blood I only gather where the loving flows. Coagulated in ease and laughter, and the pristine joy as the destination rather than the life raft we carry in hopes to reaching “pleasantville”. I don’t escape to you as much as I crash and smash right up under you. I will love even when the skies turn grey and the boys don’t want to play - I will still love. when the tough gets to going and finally packs all those bags since the fears have overstayed their welcome, anyway - I choose to reside here, love.
2.14.18
Sometimes you wanna take the pain, kiss it on both cheeks and smile, gap toothed and effervescent - feeling as close to victorious as this battered version of love is ever going to get. Sometimes you gotta hang the picture, et memorium, realizing that death changes the landscape. Endings are beautiful and I’m realizing the Gold is two things : 1. In the lesson 2. Forever.
foundation.
i’ve never been afraid of expressing the need to feel important to my people. my ego & pride died a long time ago so when i fling my arms around you and treat your like a savior it isn’t because i need saving, but rather everyone deserves to be seen as a hero. especially if i am loving on you. it’s easy to extend a love for folks that fits into a mechanical form. call. text. answer. nothing, you? pop up. fuck on em. the i miss you’s. and eventually the fizzle runs flat and i’m left analyzing a situation to see if it’s still coursing and it’s not. i don’t feel comfortable with static, ingenuine displays of affection because i don’t engage in that shit, yknow what i mean? i am hyper present and a tune. i am both perfectly submissive & equally dominant. i am both an embodiment of the Divine Feminine, balanced with traits of sharp inginutity & discernment courtesy of the Divine Masculine energy. this is A LOT. it’s taken me my whole life time to realize my far reaching mind, heart and soul aren’t a burden but rather a gift to illuminate within myself and spread evenly among my loved ones. i will love you dizzy and right back sane again. issa fax, b. i do this love thing too well. i get it. i am it. i walk, talk and honor it within me everyday. Love is Me.
Maroon 5 - Secret
I know I don’t know you
But I want you so bad.
Everyone has a secret
Can they keep it
Oh no they can’t.
you know when I leave, where I’m going to.
you know when I love, where I’m coming from.
Hiatus Kaiyote - Molasses
still.
I still dream of clouds as picture-stills representing God’s artistry. I still see the sun glimmer in the eyes of someone whose pain resonates with mine. I still prefer the touch of a man who desires the candor and ease of just being around me, to the taste of men who kiss me to engulf me. I still like gusts of wind in my face. I still blossom like a flower from the sun on my skin. I still listen to my music loud as the reverb of my heart to hush my soul. I still think and process before I open my mouth, but allow laughs to escape my throat without regard. I still share that love for that one place we went together, years ago where the sweets were too much for my sensitive teeth to handle, but i still lapped it all up because you can’t pause anything when the universe is trying to translate the simplicity of “Adventure Time” into a soul-imprint. I still indulge in run-on sentences, despite years of dropping A’s to B’s on school paper’s because of this beautiful habit. I still do not care about language constraints, just expression. I am still me. i am still me but without the additives. and that’s nice to know that after you dredge and slough - shed and slither back into your body that the pleasantness of your skin still feels like home.
in honor of yesterday having been Heath Ledger’s birthday and a blissful day off, cuddled up watching my all time favorite movie “Candy” is the only thing I feel like doing a.t.m. #love #rip #forevermissed #allthefeels.
Not to sound dramatic or anything, but I have known the deepest pits of lonely. I have known what it is like to feel as though your suffering is like water to an emollient wall - nothing you feel absorb into the pores of someone else’s soul. a lonely that is like ever present like the unidentified ringing of your ears that only intensifies in your silence. I have lived with a lonely in that it swallows and hangs on my limbs and takes over who I am. Name: Alone. When: Forever. And with that, I have also been flung into the throws of love. Flung, recklessly like the winds of a hurricane. Unforgiving. Loved so deep that I have in turn, became more of who I was ever meant to be. So much so, that I think God had to take it away from me so that my identify was more permanent, rather than the fluidity of it existing because of someone else. I have loved to the point where I physically became happier, more radiant. Was doing yoga and shit. I loved so hard to the point where every damned day felt like drowning in a bed full of daises and coming up only to be swimming in honey. The nectar of love dripped from the sides of my lips like a ravaged beast for someone’s affections. And the love I have for myself while discovering I could reach a depth of adoration? Unmatched. Both sides have taught me so much about the pleasures of living. Suffering in lonely is only a side effect of knowing what companionship once was, and the like with Love - it can only be truly recognized juxtaposed against an lonesomeness that your soul has truly drunken in.
for months.. months now I have been trying to decipher all that i felt i needed in a significant other .. because you know, they say have lists… have standards.. non-negotiable’s. so i did. i created lists so specific. so vague. so in between. i was told i want too much, and then not enough. that i wanted too hard and then that i did not care enough. i dated. i talked to. got to know.. even opened some doors that i shut a long time ago for these dudes. i wanted closure. in a sense, i wanted to know i was date-able .. cuffable. i wanted to know someone could brush the hairs out of face and call me darling. i wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it was okay .. what i didn’t ask for was to be constantly questioned. i did not ask to be doted like i was an object to be worshiped. i never asked for gifts or monetary things. i never asked for dates. never asked… i never forced anyone’s hands - i just let them be… that’s always been who i was. i never wanted to force someone’s hand, give ultimatums. i just like to create environments of emotional safety and watch how people unfold. and boy did they ever. i had men cry to me, plead with me, act crazy with me, beg for me to stay .. not because of me as a woman but the comfort i promoted.. they wanted me because in me, they saw a better them .. and that’s beautiful. that’s a wonderful thing that i can reflect that but if i am not gaining anything at all.. and i am being drained then what’s the point? what’s the point of texting all day when my number is just a cathartic contact, when i am interchangeable with the likes of a therapist? how special does that make me when i am not a woman you can’t live without but someone who makes your existence easier by hauling on your burdens.. and then it hit me - i believe that the universe not only wants me to be single but to exists for myself. i think the world wants me to not only be selfish, but to guard my Majesty and create that safe space for myself. i think i am being drawn within myself to create a home out of my chest for me. i simply don’t want it at the time being. i have exhausted every bit of humanitarian bone in my body for certain brothers - i can’t save them anymore. i am not a life jacket to keep you from drowning, i am the anchor, better yet, i am the ship. i am a force to be reckoned with. i am potential personified. and to say that it has been wasted with men who believe wooing me lies within a dinner date? whatever happened to more? to dreaming? hoping? believing? traveling? adventuring? spontaneity? friendship? these men bat their eyelashes and expect me to leap at the slightest bit of attention and affection? I don’t get out of bed for anything less than true love. go hard or go home.
“If I ain’t jones-ing for him, what i’ma do with him?”
To say the word love is over-saturated would be an understatement. I can’t speak on other’s emotions but there is something about the use of the word that no longer holds its clout. Older generations and our own can admit there is a level of insincerity when it comes to connections. People are together mostly because of an image or comfort. Both are sins of either overindulgence or a lack of motivation and that’s just crazy to me. When you grow up thinking that love is equated to Religion, that it’s something that fancies and is up to par with the unwavering consistency and steadfastness that most religions preach to you, and you see it disintegrating under the guise of #WCW’s & Shout outs and faux “Relationship Goal” (when it’s just a picture of two people holding hands).. you get a society that lusts after an image and not only the baseness of a fairy tale, but a chronic emptiness when Love is the complete opposite. Love is mysterious. It’s magical. It’s a filling agent, it is never meant to take anything away. Love is constant, in that it’s always moving. Upward. Above and beyond, stretching and expansive. Love is the most human & humane thing you can do. It’s about Tuesday afternoons and Friday night fun. Love is including another person into your thoughts, your heart and your being. Love is divine in that you have a choice to be alone. To be all by yourself and bask in the beautiful grandeur that is loving yourself, but you’ve chosen another to share all that you’ve built within you. What could be better? What’s the rush y’all? Where is the time, that old-school courting, that reeling from a phone call and learning their fears, and goals and asking the tough questions. Pushing each other beyond the borders. Beyond where you thought you could go mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Boundaries becoming obsolete as time goes on. It’s more than your favorite kind of shoe, or your hobbies. You gotta dig deeper. I will never forget one of the more recent conversation’s with my father when he was explaining why he will always love and be with my mother: He said that he is impressed and inspired by her. The fact that she wakes up daily to send my little sister off to school, be an amazing wife to him, deals with each of us as her children separately , has an unbreakable bond with each of us, cooks a meal every night, works and still manages to have a smile on her face and be so full of love. He said that how she does it all with always draw him to her and that her mystery is why she is his wife. (ew, parent’s being sappy) But that premise is what I’m here for. Constantly learning and figuring out your partner is the beauty of it all, learning yourself and growing alongside another person who loves you is the greatest gift. It’s gotta be.
H, xo.
'timeless takes time.'
I want all that is meant for me. I believe in a divine order of things and I am a strong believer in each person’s happiness being their own heaven on Earth, so when I say what is meant for me, I mean it in everything. I want no hand-outs. No easy way. No shortcuts. No cheat codes. I want all that is meant for me and how I am meant to get it. In everything, including love. So in that, I am in the process of learning to pace myself with everything. Learning to own the air of a quiet patience. A woman who never rushes greatness because she knows it is written for her - that is whom I strive to be and my life so far has been a testament of patience and prayer being the only way to have everlasting changes cause ripples of positivity and growth in my life so I will continue to adopt that in order to obtain grandiosity from life and love. Especially the latter. Not the type of grandness that is loud and boastful, nor the kind everyone needs to know about (I have become a connoisseur of containing a wall up from those who need no entry in my life; a private person if you will) so I hope that carries into my next relationship. But gahdamnit do I want something bone chillingly consistent. earth shattering kind of loyalty. the kind of love that makes it easier to get up in the morning. no ploys. no games. no easy ways. someone to hold hands with and jump into a pool of reality, but anchoring ourselves, keeping each other safe. I want my heart to be safe; I don’t know what that truly feels like and since we’re being honest here - I’m not sure if I’ve known adult love. I have read it, sampled it, heard it and yearned for it but never felt it. I need that as a grow older and my burdens weigh a little heavier than before; I desire someone to rub my back and to tell me it’ll be alright. Someone to talk to about my double shifts and my crazy coworkers. Someone to share my story with. In a world that causes us to become so one dimensional, I want to be spoiled with a person who I can bask in all of my complex, multifaceted self with. I think that true everlasting love is becoming a luxury … and truthfully I just want it before it becomes a rarity.
fullmoonblues.
i see love as an all-encompassing experience, a sweeping kind of existence. something i plan to submerge myself in, yes drown in. and it sounds terrific and esoteric but i mean it with every fiber of my being. i think that’s why i can never embrace the casual air of “dating”. shit, it unsettles me and leaves me wary because i know i can’t emotionally open up to randoms, it’s never right. at the end of the day, love is a feeling. one that i see motivating me to be the best i can be .. i think that’s when i’ll know. when my ever-stirring soul is settled and i feel understood by my lover, as a person and his lady. constantly drawn to him. when he isn’t afraid to participate in this deluge and make me feel free. i hope he never comes up for air when it comes to loving me.
“It’s easy to feel uncared for when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring — they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn’t make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are — that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others — is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you are enough. ”