Growth Groove.

I’m starting to become really comfortable with how my life, how my universe unfolds lessons for me. It’s usually out of the norm but right in my comfort zone. Especially when it comes to my relationships — I trust that I receive the perfect people in my trajectory to have the exact experiences I need for the right amount of time. It’s how I play with my own desire for relationships that reflect an air of being unattached, free and drenched in Soverignty. I love those dynamics that invite joy, laughter and mental stimulation and put them right on the table as the essence of our very connection & when it lasts, it’s wonderful. Yet, when it fades, I feel the perfume of the meeting lingering like an old song looping in the back of my mind. I guess it’s part of this new skin I’m growing into, the growth groove that I seem to be engrossed in, recognizing that I want my life to stretch over experiences that expand me, my heart + keep me nestled in my personal grace. And it’s natural that I crave relationships which mirror that same motif now.There’s something insatiable about admitting this to myself (& tumblr 😭) but the way I see it, when I gift wrap my Love, I know I’m giving a part of myself that is of my own personal make up, parts of my soul and that’s sacred to me. And sharing that with those who intend to do the same, skimming over the bullshit and going right for the Heart? Those people are of my kin, part of my family, eternally.

I am a part of a reality that is unfortunately willing and ready to blunt any form of authentic self expression. it’s too loud. too emotional. too sensitive. & I foolishly, thought the remedy for that was closed mouths, hushed demeanor and shy outward appearance and I realize that my heart and soul are way too complex and garbled for that. I am such an anomaly and a contradiction and sometimes a person who demands a lot emotionally but that is simply because I typically wear my heart on both of my sleeves. I am so happily sensitive and empathetic and easily affected but that also means I am alive and willing experience the ever evasive expanding events of life. the human beating hearts around me. I want to feel touch and have the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I want to laugh till I can’t breathe and I want love flowing so that mine may as well. restrictive has never been befitting to me and at almost 24 I realize the person I am no longer requires herself to make room for that shit anymore. little hearts and minimized feelings are a thing of the past. openness and authenticity and sincerity, all summer 2016 + beyond.

Mature Self empowerment and practice trusting yourself. —
Full Moon in Scorpio.


“With the sign of Scorpio be prepared to feel intense emotions and delve deep underneath the surface to extract the truth and awareness.. There may be an intense or burning desire that runs deep to remain attached (emotionally) to or hold onto someone or something even if it is toxic or unhealthy. Allow light of awareness to penetrate the dark areas of ignorance, shame and deep-seated resentment that lies hidden underneath issues. Give yourself permission to heal and move forward in your life, use the potential of the Full Moon in Scorpio to symbolically die to be reborn.”

waiting till the firing starts.

i’ve wanted to write a post about the title of my blog and it’s significance for the longest time but could never find the words to explain the logic behind all of this - the blog, the title & my life alike. i guess after having a day like today and vowing to myself, God and my best friend that honesty is indeed the best policy, i write this blog post candidly. i know y'all care. peep this–

the meaning behind my blog dates back to 2008 when Coldplay dropped their Viva la Vida album. my favorite song off of there was Lost, which I just reblogged so references could be easily drawn. Not only did the album mean so much to me.. so much so that I would probably need another post to break down why but I digress. Anywho, I restarted this whole Tumblr thing January 2011 and was extremely hesitant but more importantly had no idea what to title this thing! So one night, while perusing on Pandora, lo and behold the song Lost came on and the title instantly came to me – waiting ‘till the firing starts.  Made perfect sense because frankly, up until today and ever since a couple of years ago that’s all my life had been. waiting.

–

for destiny, the right moment, the right guy, the right sign, everything to be right in order to pursue things, real tangible goals in life and that ain’t right! for me at least. i was always a gal who went for the things i wanted, shy was never who i was. i’ve always been very vocal about my needs, wants, thoughts, opinions and never apologized for a thing, because, i was, after all my father’s daughter and he is the most lively man i have ever had the pleasure of knowing – bless his heart. dormant was never in my vocabulary and ambitious girl was my favorite, and i mean favorite wale song. i was just that person who prayed for things, asked for advice but understood that the greatest way to get what you want for life it just go for it and work your ass off in the process but.. somewhere, somehow, that all got lost. i became a wallflower. the background, the doormat and used this altruistic ass bullshit to mask my new-found timidness when, in reality i was just lost. i lost my purpose, my zest for life, my happiness, my ability to open and be vulnerable and most importantly (to me) my drive for all things i was meant to accomplish and that changed me as a person completely. there was this vicious dichotomous state i existed in, where in my heart i knew the things i wanted in life but was so hell bent on waiting that it essentially produced a version of myself who was always waiting for the magnificence of life to fall into my lap and.. welp, we all know how that might have turned out! lol. 

i’ve always been quite the character and a lending hand has always been in my nature but i have realized today after hours of critical thinking, epiphanies and a break through or two with my beloved best friend, i am simply not that woman. i am not, i became that once i started waiting for things to happen, waiting for apologizes to end up in my inbox. waiting for others to have a coming to jesus moment on my behalf. i spent nights in silent prayer and contemplation hoping that people (someone) would see how there i have been for them and in return would give me the love i deserve and lawd ham'murcy tumblr, when i tell you that’s the worst thing a gal like me could ever do! it’s so bad, even my family started to notice the difference and i just can’t have that especially when their love was, up until then, all i needed to sustain my happiness and reassure my self worth!

–

there is such a beauty in life’s experiences. i am so grateful for, first of all, my family whose patience is unmatched and has kept me grounded and proud throughout the years. i am so thankful for my best friend/cousin who has listened to my thoughts and theories day in and day out. i marvel at God’s ability to show me things and return myself to, me. and most importantly my damn self for getting honest and raw with myself and no longer waiting.

i know i am changing and growing every day, and i love it, but i truly believe today was a milestone. one so grandiose causing me to close a chapter in my life for good. today, i looked in the mirror and saw myself for all of me, sans the waiting, the negativity and passive existence i was carrying with me for so long. i felt like myself today, my whole and total self and i mean it felt so good. so damn good.

an ode to, the listener the bystander: 

life is more than just sensibility, ethics and logical decision making, which everyone could make use of but, it’s the things which light your fire and spark your inhibitions so that they are burned down to the ground faster than an oak to a flame that matter most. those things which rip you apart, cause you to break and suffer and become happier and stronger than ever, those things are worth more than anything. the happiest people know happiness because they have known the darkness and love themselves and life for it. the love affair that you start to develop with your own life is the sweetest, stickiest, guiltless, indulgent, passionate and never ending romance you will ever encounter. if you learn to love yourself, you will never get sick of yourself but you will learn to handle yourself with care. if you wine and dine yourself, treat yourself, spoil yourself, understand, trust, believe, uplift, support and overcome and remain honest to yourself, then you will be able to indulge and reflect this inner light to the rest of the world which so desperately needs it. this is me trying to capture my life instead of letting senseless things like the past or uncertainty of the future dictate my now, i will revel and immerse myself in the present as to enjoy it more. i want to spend my right now’s reading all of the books i told myself i would do in due time, buy the things i said are for later, speak the words that seem to cower the second they tip toe across my tongue. i want to live so fully and in the now that i can’t fathom how the next moment could even amount to the beauty of current one. i will create an adventurous and peaceful existence for myself because i have granted myself the power to do so and i have been fueled by my existence - the parts of it that have been both good and bad to get here and i am so glad for the journey. i will write fervently because that’s what i aspire to be. i will write and stretch my inspiration to the tips of my limbs until i am beckoned by the weight of the words to dance and groove, desire pens to accompany me. sail with them, build with them, and undo them as to douse and soil pages with my thoughts. i will love those who need it most in my life unapologetically because they are owed this and i will smile as hard as i can so that my heart my find peace and i will be lovely in my demeanor because my soul deserves me to be. i will make this day, the day that it was meant to be. With the good graces of God above and those who love me most, i will live.