for months.. months now I have been trying to decipher all that i felt i needed in a significant other .. because you know, they say have lists… have standards.. non-negotiable’s. so i did. i created lists so specific. so vague. so in between. i was told i want too much, and then not enough. that i wanted too hard and then that i did not care enough. i dated. i talked to. got to know.. even opened some doors that i shut a long time ago for these dudes. i wanted closure. in a sense, i wanted to know i was date-able .. cuffable. i wanted to know someone could brush the hairs out of face and call me darling. i wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it was okay .. what i didn’t ask for was to be constantly questioned. i did not ask to be doted like i was an object to be worshiped. i never asked for gifts or monetary things. i never asked for dates. never asked… i never forced anyone’s hands - i just let them be… that’s always been who i was. i never wanted to force someone’s hand, give ultimatums. i just like to create environments of emotional safety and watch how people unfold. and boy did they ever. i had men cry to me, plead with me, act crazy with me, beg for me to stay .. not because of me as a woman but the comfort i promoted.. they wanted me because in me, they saw a better them .. and that’s beautiful. that’s a wonderful thing that i can reflect that but if i am not gaining anything at all.. and i am being drained then what’s the point? what’s the point of texting all day when my number is just a cathartic contact, when i am interchangeable with the likes of a therapist? how special does that make me when i am not a woman you can’t live without but someone who makes your existence easier by hauling on your burdens.. and then it hit me - i believe that the universe not only wants me to be single but to exists for myself. i think the world wants me to not only be selfish, but to guard my Majesty and create that safe space for myself. i think i am being drawn within myself to create a home out of my chest for me. i simply don’t want it at the time being. i have exhausted every bit of humanitarian bone in my body for certain brothers - i can’t save them anymore. i am not a life jacket to keep you from drowning, i am the anchor, better yet, i am the ship. i am a force to be reckoned with. i am potential personified. and to say that it has been wasted with men who believe wooing me lies within a dinner date? whatever happened to more? to dreaming? hoping? believing? traveling? adventuring? spontaneity? friendship? these men bat their eyelashes and expect me to leap at the slightest bit of attention and affection? I don’t get out of bed for anything less than true love. go hard or go home.