3:33am

Laying awake, I stare up into the popcorn ceiling as a red light hums quietly against the maroon colored walls. And in my throat lives a lump the size of my fist; it’s harder to swallow and my hands are glistening with sweat. And as I feel into the grooves of the mattress against my spine and the many pillows lining my body, a wonder brushes past my eyelids; as delicate as a betrodden exhale, the kind our bodies release at the embrace of our beloved. The ‘finally’ sigh. This brush of air breezes in language that speaks of a new chapter. It sweeps in with it a tiny little stirring and I pull the covers closer to me. Giddy and mixy and terribly afraid of what’s coming next. And as my jaw clenches tighter, I remember the many times my feet touched fertile soil. I recall how my soles become dampened by dewy blades of grass decorated with condensation from the night before. With this teensy breath, all of a sudden I feel weightlessness that carries me to a time were what was over the horizon did not scald the insides of these eyelids like this. Change can access a Nirvana when keyed into it right. Bliss, with calibrated vision. & I keep seeing the red light from the inside of my closed eyes. And my body suddenly gets heavier as sleep comes nearer. A needed relief or welcomed distraction; for a moment, when these heavier thoughts suspend I’ll find a smile or two lulling into a slumber to help me forget what I hate to remember.

Placed at my feet one evening were four marvelous flowers. Oozing of Amber and whiskey, these perfumes dripped onto my feet. I stared up with the question: were you all plucked straight from my imagination? It’s as if this flora was only created to spark awe; the 5th element. I wonder if the width of these smiles is a message for me to flaunt mine? I wonder if we’re sitting in the same soul, simply counting time.

I write for You.

Sing for You.

Muse on You.

Get loveDrunk on You.

I get ferocious with You.

I get fierce with you.

I go H.A.M on You

Like I’d kill for You

If I haven’t already killed You

I sleep in with You

Brush the darkness out of You

Fuck the shit out of You

Cry tears with You

Laugh a bellow with You

Hum for You

Dance with You

Win with You

Soar with You

Glide with You

Taste freedom with You

Paint new worlds on You.

I do it all, for You.

allowing my body and bodies to feel a liberation so foreign puts a move on my heart. and it’s the freedom to feel, the freedom to bellow and burn from within. the freedom to be pained. the freedom to rise from that very pain like a Phoenix. the freedom to learn from the pain and fall in love with the sanctity of feeling good. the freedom to feel good. the freedom to walk out on a limb for yourself and call it grace or an awakening but the freedom to self-care yourself right into sovereignty, making your very existence a service, do you hear me? the freedom to declare eons worth of medicine and healing as a mechanism to unchain your heart. you are the remedy. the freedom to soften. the freedom to know the expression of this body, though a temporal resting place, is a temple.. a sanctuary. a freedom to lick the insides of your mouth for the right flavor of truth. dig and find freedom so foreign, it puts a move on your heart. 

almost.

our feet gave off heavenly hums of heat. holding hands, we swept up every bit of joy and named it after one another. you were my keepsake and me? your amulet. a couple of good luck charms in the flesh. and lord knows we refused to entertain coincidence. through us, we learned the weight of a hand in good faith. we taught each other to speak up straight, like God was listening. there was a bellow when we met. lightening striking a million wombs, I think we may have even frightened Karma. Or at least kept it at bay. the power of two hearts in an endless sway, making a new day, every day. we tasted freedom the same, music sat in our mouths identically. a twin to me. euphoria was the flavor of our nostalgia and we spun around for so long that we almost became timeless. we almost became perfect. squinting, we almost saw the lining, glistening in gold; dripping onto the mantle of our souls. 

Composed at 5:55am.

What is a breakdown without a breakthrough? Who would’ve thought that simultaneously as all fell apart and I took the last of my gasping breaths after all the crying that a piece of paradise was on the other side of utter hopelessness?



I feel as though life has taken a chisel to the hardened edges of my heart and given me an ultimatum. One where we promise each other things I would never dare repeat but I wonder — after the pinky swear was over — if there’s a place in our hearts that is opened when we find ourselves without someone who was once a dear companion?


Someone once said that a heart break and heart opening can be the same thing depending on who is listening.



One day in the near nowness, I will look back with wise and sweet fondness to connect dots I cannot see. Someday this will be an elegy; my own personal swan song and I’ll look back, held up by a strengthening nostalgia.



One day sooner, I will continue collecting gems on this path, looking up at a teal stained sky and I’ll wonder about the girl who cried wolf so much so, she became one.

2019.

‪When the concept of coincidence erodes, all that’s left is synchronicity. Life’s melody bellows and you can’t help but believe in the magic. The miracle. The softest place. The tenderness. It’s a subtle fierceness, formed. One that glows like an ember. A scalding cinder. And it burns slow, too. You can’t help but translate the language of the clouds and fall in love with the color yellow. An everlasting love affair. Dusk, for the remainder of time.‬ The most honest, heartfelt words and honey dipped hearts become the flavor of the season and you hear songs more deeply. Feel it all, more deeply. I often wonder if I’ll tip toe off the surface of this Earth sometimes, drift right on into space’s spaciousness. To just catch a glimpse of this orchestration from afar — a bird’s eye view of these ravenous blues. The hues. It’s so true —

Nothing is a coincidence, I believe this now.

26.

Like a rolling cloud, beautiful and bountiful in the sky you roll into my life. I feel like I was just setting the scene for 25 - placing everything where it needed to be and flushing out what wasn’t mine to begin with. This year, I feel softer and stronger. A bundle of love wrapped tightly into my skin. Nestled and boundless. Empty of what’s not for me and full of all that I’ve missed. All I’ve yearned for. What I’ve howled at the moon and scolded the Sun for. Here it lies, in my heart I could tell you stories of how I overcame. I could speak of the glows and whispers, and I could scribble endlessly in a notebook that will gracefully house all my secrets. But it might be better to live in the fantasy this time around. Make the dreams come true and sit with them because they are for you. All 25 years, I thought being a bystander to all the love in the universe would make me more compelling. More interesting. Filled with more depth. And this year I welcome a new tune to ring truer, one that sings the songs of my heart’s joys. My heart’s triumphs and more importantly - the love I’m gifted, daily. 26, may you grant me even more clarity. Deeper, full bodied breaths and a heart that just won’t quit. Ever. Let’s dance, with all of our limbs. Let us sing a song that never ends. And the tears? Let them be sweet, tumbling down my cheek. Let the sadness be poem worthy, and the happiness sting the insides of my skin. I want to be alive, pulsing and strikingly present in my life. Happy Solar Return to me, here’s to hoping 26 is all that I want it to be.

2.14.18

Sometimes you wanna take the pain, kiss it on both cheeks and smile, gap toothed and effervescent - feeling as close to victorious as this battered version of love is ever going to get. Sometimes you gotta hang the picture, et memorium, realizing that death changes the landscape. Endings are beautiful and I’m realizing the Gold is two things : 1. In the lesson 2. Forever.