i’ve wanted to write a post about the title of my blog and it’s significance for the longest time but could never find the words to explain the logic behind all of this - the blog, the title & my life alike. i guess after having a day like today and vowing to myself, God and my best friend that honesty is indeed the best policy, i write this blog post candidly. i know y'all care. peep this–

the meaning behind my blog dates back to 2008 when Coldplay dropped their Viva la Vida album. my favorite song off of there was Lost, which I just reblogged so references could be easily drawn. Not only did the album mean so much to me.. so much so that I would probably need another post to break down why but I digress. Anywho, I restarted this whole Tumblr thing January 2011 and was extremely hesitant but more importantly had no idea what to title this thing! So one night, while perusing on Pandora, lo and behold the song Lost came on and the title instantly came to me – waiting ‘till the firing starts. Made perfect sense because frankly, up until today and ever since a couple of years ago that’s all my life had been. waiting.

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for destiny, the right moment, the right guy, the right sign, everything to be right in order to pursue things, real tangible goals in life and that ain’t right! for me at least. i was always a gal who went for the things i wanted, shy was never who i was. i’ve always been very vocal about my needs, wants, thoughts, opinions and never apologized for a thing, because, i was, after all my father’s daughter and he is the most lively man i have ever had the pleasure of knowing – bless his heart. dormant was never in my vocabulary and ambitious girl was my favorite, and i mean favorite wale song. i was just that person who prayed for things, asked for advice but understood that the greatest way to get what you want for life it just go for it and work your ass off in the process but.. somewhere, somehow, that all got lost. i became a wallflower. the background, the doormat and used this altruistic ass bullshit to mask my new-found timidness when, in reality i was just lost. i lost my purpose, my zest for life, my happiness, my ability to open and be vulnerable and most importantly (to me) my drive for all things i was meant to accomplish and that changed me as a person completely. there was this vicious dichotomous state i existed in, where in my heart i knew the things i wanted in life but was so hell bent on waiting that it essentially produced a version of myself who was always waiting for the magnificence of life to fall into my lap and.. welp, we all know how that might have turned out! lol.

i’ve always been quite the character and a lending hand has always been in my nature but i have realized today after hours of critical thinking, epiphanies and a break through or two with my beloved best friend, i am simply not that woman. i am not, i became that once i started waiting for things to happen, waiting for apologizes to end up in my inbox. waiting for others to have a coming to jesus moment on my behalf. i spent nights in silent prayer and contemplation hoping that people (someone) would see how there i have been for them and in return would give me the love i deserve and lawd ham'murcy tumblr, when i tell you that’s the worst thing a gal like me could ever do! it’s so bad, even my family started to notice the difference and i just can’t have that especially when their love was, up until then, all i needed to sustain my happiness and reassure my self worth!

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there is such a beauty in life’s experiences. i am so grateful for, first of all, my family whose patience is unmatched and has kept me grounded and proud throughout the years. i am so thankful for my best friend/cousin who has listened to my thoughts and theories day in and day out. i marvel at God’s ability to show me things and return myself to, me. and most importantly my damn self for getting honest and raw with myself and no longer waiting.

i know i am changing and growing every day, and i love it, but i truly believe today was a milestone. one so grandiose causing me to close a chapter in my life for good. today, i looked in the mirror and saw myself for all of me, sans the waiting, the negativity and passive existence i was carrying with me for so long. i felt like myself today, my whole and total self and i mean it felt so good. so damn good.