22 was a hulluva ride. this year has honestly been the most confusing and turbulent year of my life. never have I experienced a sense of inconsistency before and yet with all the trouble, I have found a sense of peace. realizing that often we attach our sense of self and happiness onto others, I had to figure a way that would get my sense of stability grounded - a way to realize that happiness and a blissful life literally were at my own fingertips. control of my life not only in the sense of handling shit, but realizing that my power was rooted in my ability to make shit happen for myself. my bliss came with my own prayer and my own work and for this realization? I am eternally grateful. today I am happy. I feel alive. I feel truly liberated and honestly so full of love, toppling over with gratitude. this is must be what it means to know yourself and what you need to nurture yourself cuz I feel pretty fucking rooted within who I am, and it’s amazing. 23, here’s to hoping for even more growth. xo

i want to speak candidly about this. i want to be raw, i want to be honest. when you are disappointed in someone… in someone you once loved, a part of you hopes they will come to their senses. a part of you holds on to what was, a little part of you even prays for them to come out of the other end of their hardship and see you as the light at the end of their troubling tunnel and i was that. i was his light. i made sure i was always happy for him. positive for him. sending sweet messages and funny things to make him laugh. always down to keep him company, i tried to lift him out of his muck. i wanted him to grow with me. besides me, adjunct to my success, both current and to come, i longed for him to be the face i saw when i looked either left or right in this journey of life. i fought with him, not to be petty or to stress him out (i avoided that mostly), but to show him the err of his ways and to help him see he’s worthy of all that he dreamed. even when he didn’t want to talk, i provided space on my bosom for him to lay but it never registered to you – i did this all because i loved you. deeply, a foreign kinda love that scared me sometimes because it defied every bit of logic. the kind of love that you drift into, slowly but never cautiously because it’s as natural as breathing. loving you was so damn easy, but come time for me to need. for me to cry, and express my needs, the same courtesy was never shown to me. you let me love you as profoundly as i knew how and never planned on reciprocating the depth.. & that’s ok. that’s fine if you can’t love a woman like me. i wasn’t designed to be palatable for every man. but i chose to love you. and you did not choose me. so forgive me if i ignore your calls and admit the things girls aren’t supposed to say to you like “i am better than what you can give” and “i have outgrown you”. my bad if your ego gets bruised along the way and apologizes for the confusion that i caused when i hung up and ended it just like that. when i sat down and said to you plainly that you will never be able to love the way i love and that is settling to me. it’s so daunting, at 21 to sit here and speak so openly about heartbreak but it’s also very liberating to know that all of the absolution’s i associated you with like “forever’s” and “till death” did not apply and I still stand, happy. relieved. my world didn’t fall apart after you, contrary to your popular belief.