6:40am.

taking this moment to send an immense amount of gratitude to all the forces, people, energies, timing and God for helping propel me forward. I am thankful for my new-found patience and gentleness with myself. I am equally happy and proud of the level of discipline I have injected into my life. I feel a lot of joy right now. The sun is rising & everything around me is coming alive for the day and I just wanted to share this. I am swelling. Humbled. Inspired. Gracious. Alhamdulillah.

potency.

I promise you if you would’ve told me fall was on her way and I wasn’t kicking and screaming half blazed in a pool, I wouldn’t believe you. I have always been obsessed with summer. the haze of permanent sepia on the skin and the general consensus we all carry with each other that once that sun starts to set, the sins of the night are going to be kept in the droplets of dew that form against car windows. this universal understanding that distance is better for us simply because it’s too hot and I thrive there. a safety of this permanent vacation mentality. brb. ttyl. gon swimming, literally. and I will forever love it. but there’s something about the air lately, something deep looming right on the horizon of “fall” or in its subjectivity, especially here in the south. more than just cozy clothing and hot drinks. good sleep and good tv. there’s a truth that is daintily dancing before the this Equinox. I feel it so deeply in my bones and it might be just for me or for you too, but there’s going to be a major shift that I can tell will take place. not only am I willing it but I am accepting it. that weird, awkward mourning of summer is a thing of the past. this September feels like an anchor on my chest but one I know will be lifted. I’ve been sick, overworked and incredibly tired. feeling misunderstood and unseen but I am so trusting of this space that it’s amazing me. usually the temporary infusion of unfortunate events bogs me down so much so I forget what the light looks like. even with the weight on my shoulders and the stress of tomorrow looming, I can smell change. the air is different. the facts are straighter. no more jagged pieces fitting together calling themselves “destiny”. preparing for this potency, hope you ready.

talk it out.

i can’t not just acknowledge this past year. i can’t ignore an entire 365 days that were spent: crying, learning, laughing, kneeling, puffing up my chest. i can’t overlook the days where i danced until my feet hurt. when i threw back shots and had not a care in the world. the days that were carefree and full of airiness. i also can’t side step the days where it felt like the loneliness was going to suffocate me. the days when no one would call me. the three days i spent in the hospital and i still believe that was because of a broken heart. no one can tell me different. the days where i felt betrayal from those who vowed to never leave. i watched those very souls shut the door in my infinite time of need. i also can’t forget the day i promised to myself that God created my solitude as a canvas for my soul. I repeated mantra’s and quit job(s) that were making me miserable. I also talked to my mom a lot and allowed her wisdom to pour into me. she told me that all her hopes for me were that I would be a woman unto my own - no matter what that meant, and I swallowed that. I drank it in and come May, it felt like there was finally a light at the end of a thoughtless tunnel. An entire half of a year almost erased, as if God was showing me that second chances aren’t just the stuff of stories. My heart opened up again, and things felt so right. Divinely ordered moments are so hard to come by, but I felt like my happiness was one of them in that time. With my misery came a marriage of peace within myself that I only dreamed about. I was able to imagine again, and laugh and never feel bad for the space I occupied. I managed the fuck out of myself and for that, I am thankful. I truly think that 2015 was the year i went from a hopeful, whimsical girl to a matured, realistic, passionate and dope as fuck woman. and how could i not document that transition? 2015 wasn’t just a years worth of growth, but a lifetime. Never in my 23 years - not a hurricane, not moving over 10 times, not the ending of a 6 year love affair, never once did anything in my life shake me to my core like the past year has and if the result is this settling into myself… this ease, the maturity, this indestructibility, this strength, this zeal, this determination, this ambition, this full heart is the result? well, then so be it.

Never have I felt more as myself than I have recently. This must be what people talk about when they say the 20′s are about coming into your own and nowadays? I feel that so deeply. None of myself feels forced or feigned. I’m not faking the funk, and nor am I here for the bullshit. But as I’m deterring the bad energy by keeping it through with myself, I feel like I am also opening up in ways I never thought possible. Especially with love. I feel like there are times, on this blog even where I have listed qualities desired. Or I have found myself at the end of situations with forced revelations. The old “it’s time to focus on myself” adages that never get old. All the self-love quotes and books you can find and I have come to realize that you can’t fully move from one stage in your life to the next - be it a high point or a low- without simply giving yourself the time, space and overall opportunity to do so. so much has a changed. a year ago today I moved out on my own and thought I was in love with a man whom which I was going to spend the rest of my life with… months later, I regretted the move so heavily and him and I barely speak anymore. So with all that time I had from then till now, there was NOTHING but that space and I gave myself all the permission in the world to do what I need to grow from that point, to where I am now. and where am i? At Peace. For the first time in a long damned time, I would say my heart is more open and trusting today than I can ever remember it. I am more focused and feel more genuinely interested in living and exploring my life. It’s not a happiness I feel. Joy and Pain are everlasting. Life is constantly happening even in my shitty moments, but this shit right here? This peace? This feeling like no matter what comes my way, I will survive and come out of it as myself at the end? The waking up everyday and Thanking Allah, and talking to my mom, dad and siblings every morning? This running it with my best friend and staying away from those who have never met with good intentions? This guarding my heart while trusting the process of falling in love? This literally living and acting on my own accord because .. Instinct … This right here? I want this forever.