I will always find new ways to love you. New ways to care. New ways to tell you that you matter. I don’t have a problem loving. I am not prideful, lustful, nor unfaithful. I do not have a wandering eye or a sinful heart. No. I will love you until my heart can bear no more and taps out. I will love you until the stormy skies can open up and sing heavenly hymns on behalf of a new sunny day. I can love you, brotha. Till no ends. But what I struggle with are my thoughts. My eventful and eager mind. My mind who sees things coming a mile away even if there is no promise of said things happening. My mind that thinks, “what if there is better? I can always do better.” my mind that worries myself to wits end that you will never love me like I love you. The mind that cannot fathom myself being with just a singular one and that indeed love may just be cursed by monagamy. The mind that creeps up at night after a wonderful phone conversations and unlocks itself out of its own dwellings just to whisper endless what ifs. The mind that believes love was designed to be unrequited. That mind, is what I want to be silenced. Someone who can actually make be truly believe, that there is logic to love. That there is rhyme, reason and rhythm to the “no you hang up first..” dance. Someone to make be believe that yes we can hold hands in public and I don’t need to nearly break out in hives because of it. Someone to turn my mind, riddled with its beautiful, and creative thoughts, off. Someone to make me believe that romance isn’t just something written off for others and that I do belong in the world of lovers. Help me see that. You are, helping me see that. Thanks.

xo.

5:48am

I feel like the weight of the world seeps past my shoulders and drips into my heart at times to decorate it with sadness. Sleeplessness drives my mind to hunt for an unhappiness that does not exist. The burdens of my yesterday should not matter today. Moving past it. Writing it in stone, or at least on tumblr. learning to sleep more and relearning how to smile with my heart.

from my iPhone, with love.

I should be asleep, but I really can’t find the tired that was lingering above my bed not too long ago. summer has been bittersweet, so much good coupled with a little bad but there’s so much progress happening with me. Ramadan is over the horizon and it couldn’t come at a better time and it really hit me today that I’ve changed my major. Not just my major, per se, but my career path and it says a lot about who i have become. To go from wanting to be a counselor and help others to now wanting to, essentially and inshallah, be a writer, is a big jump. It’s crazy. Idk, liberating, I think. I’m a tad bit tipsy and my alarm is set for 8am so I’m not sure how I will wake up. But things are good, different, but good. I’ll just continue to vibe to this amazing ambiance and revel in the energy that everyone’s emitting because it’s wonderful. You’re wonderful, if you are reading this … you are truly wonderful. Goodnight

Hi tumblr. Me no write to you in a while. So i thought it best to write while on break. Let me first thank God above for finals being over. I’m not a person who takes well to stress because, well, either i don’t stress at all or i stress far too much and i’m glad the awkward place i was in between those two extremes is over. Let me also thank God for my family and mostly my mom because.. Well, she’s the reason I do all that I do. My success is attributed to her and I do not think it is possible for me to appreciate her more than I do right now, but God, if there is.. let me. Because she is utterly amazing. Gosh, I’m just so happy to be out of school.. to be able to sleep in.. excuse me, let me reiterate.. sleep in. it’s so nice to know that plans for my days are either hanging out with my siblings, going to work, or to hang out with friends. Finals always make me go a little crazy but i’m glad to have my mind at ease.

With that being said, Thank You God, once again (never can thank God enough) but thanks for helping me realize all that I’ve realized within these two months. Thank you for granting me understanding on situations. Thank you for allowing me to grasp the concept that it is ok to not have feelings for someone but at the same time, I don’t need to hate them. Thank You God for helping me realize that I have a purpose on this earth and it does not entail being a housewife or working towards an average lifestyle that does not at the end of the day serve You. I’m really not trying to sound holy y'all but God is so good. He is amazing. Thank you for helping me realize that I am a precious person and that all that entails my being is not something that is to be lessened in order to fit someone else. Thank You God for granting me with the contentedness of lonely. Thank You God for filling that lonely with amazing friends and wonderful times with my family. Thank you, thank you for allowing me to see the days that I have seen and to learn something from each of them. Lastly, but NEVER the least, Thank You God for helping me see that everyone comes into my life regardless if they are just in passing, they are in my life to teach me lesson, more specifically men. Each one that comes into my life is granted with the opportunity to have a chance to experience my loyalty, my patience, my pleasantry, my daintiness, my kindness, my warmth, my kisses, my trust, my ability to make it my obligation when you are having a problem.. that i am meant to fix it, my ability to ride or die for you, and lastly.. my heart. But Thank You God. Thanks for letting me see that my efforts to be almost perfect for a man, does not mean that he is striving to be the best for me.. and through this, God, you have shown me to keep my attributes to myself– that only a few are deserving of this and for that i thank You. Thank you.