tumblr, you are my safe space. here is the text box where I can say what I want. I can speak my pain and needs and feelings that often times spill out of iMessage boxes and never can be compacted into 140 characters. no emojis. no skimping. all words and all feelings. mostly mulled about in midnight baths after some tree or an over thinking binge. and today is no different. I figured that whenever I spoke out into the universe and God and myself in the mirror *cue the meme of the guy aggressively pointing at his own reflection* that I wanted openness and rawness in the place of emptiness, I probably should have been more direct and pointed. I probably should’ve expressed that I not only wanted to be a safe space, but wanted one myself. often the narrative of a woman being there and being there and never being received is as old as time but I guess that’s my fault for praying that evolution would’ve phased coldness and a callousness out along with shit like tails and hunched backs. I thought you are what you want and maybe that’s it. maybe I am being met with a level of bitterness to hone in on my sweetness. I am not perfect, but I am loud and proud in my imperfection. sometimes I am all talk no action. sometimes I have destinations with no directions. too impulsive and too wordy. stubborn and absent minded (probably because of the weed). I pray but often am not patient enough for the answers, and that’s just about my character. but I never withhold these facts about myself, matter of fact I am in the business of laying those out on the table: face up, all trust. and yet the trope of hidden, shadowy figures wafting their way into my life still manages to be a thing. i simply don’t want to be in love with outlines of folks, I not only desire your insides but your imperfections too. the level of honesty has to be unadulterated, NSFW vibes in order for me to be safe. to feel safe. I am chock full of surprises and mysterious ways but for love? all of that seems to go out of the window. I am invested in the work it takes to be present and patient enough in something to see where it leads, all leaps and all faith… but only if I am being met with the same energy. only if I am treated more than a safety deposit you can check up on a few weeks or days at a time to make sure your secrets are still safe. I deserve more than that. so thanks tumblr for listening even when inboxes won’t.

xo.