the single thing i fear the most is living a life and not living. being empty. going through the motions. wasting time. never being quite happy neither sad. just in a state of pure existence. it has the power to make me feel helpless, so vulnerable and leaves me susceptible to destructive thoughts. i think that’s why living a passionate life with a guided, yet unrefined purpose truly grasps what i define as “living”. having a guided purpose means to live as though you have a reason for your existence, as though God placed a soul into your body because you were meant to do something, something fulfilling that makes you happy and keeps your heart full. unrefined in that you are unsure of what it is, but you feel it manifesting with every step you take in life. unrefined in that it’s inconclusive at the moment but doesn’t leave you defeated, you continue with your days with hope and faith that you are on the right path. so i guess as mini ode to myself, and a chastising of me for repressing the free spirit within me and allowing myself to exist within the confounds of what Hoda was supposed to be. for this i apologize to me because i have robbed myself of, myself. and i am truly sorry. and this post was not supposed to be this long. sorry.